Show-Me; The Razorbacks

Reflections and animadverts about a recent road trip.

Arkansas - "The Natural State." Hmmm. Who knew this was the nickname? Have you ever looked up the webpage with all the state nicknames? A fascinating way to blow time during your day, if you're looking to procrastinate a great deal on any particular day.

Right, so back to Arkansas. Natural? Sure it was natural. Naturally a pain in my ass to be driving on its road system one early evening, with all the curvy topsy turvy highways and byways with deer creature running about. Naturally overpriced to stay in a little town with only 5 acceptable hotel stops that would provide safety. Naturally the towns are placed apart with only county roads and logging trucks for you to follow when you are trying like hell to make it to next town at an average of 55mph but still unable to achieve it due to note-taking for what you'll read below.

Only in Arkansas do you...
..see an ad banner staked on a busy corner which reads, "Concealed Gun Carrying Class" 7pm tonite at the VFW Post 59.

..witness trucks with the confederate flag emblazoned onto the door as though it is breaking through from the inside. This type of paint job must cost more than some budget line items for the state itself.

..observe the nearly life-size figurines of Snow White & her 7 dwarves placed neatly in between each wooden column on a front porch alongside State Route 412. I don't believe I've ever seen that type of home ornamentation in all of my travels.

..wonder what the hell the The Huddle House is. I wasn't sure if this was an eating establishment or a place of worship. I tend to think that the 2 may coexist here but wasn't brave enough to stop and see.

..spy a donkey securely tied to an old beat-up pickup which was sorta lodged into a ditch. I guess this is a more surefire way of making sure the donkey doesn't uproot the fencepost and make off with his fellow asses.

..and last but not least, see with ones' own 2 bloodshot eyes a yard full of lawn ornaments surrounding a featured verse from the good book written upon a large piece of foam-core board. If only I had witnessed this around the corner from The Lord's Library (which I saw in Missouri, but still worthy of mention).

Missouri - "Show-Me State" is its sobriquet. Show me the way out, is all I can think of.

Missouri - my state of residence. Home? That's a strong word. Now, to be fair, I love my house with my hub and fuzzy kids. But, if I could be back to Colorado or anywhere near mountains or a coast. Well, that would suit me swimmingly. This state has to have some of the worst roads, worst schools and while it may not rank below Arkansas on the nations list of smart states from 1-50, there's no goddamn rocky mountain high happenin' here.

Can I start by saying that Branson must be one of the craziest little places you've ever been. Traffic on the fucking ONE road that takes you thru it comes to a complete stop as 25 cute little gray-haired tourists cross the busy street with name tags on and their smiles as big as Montana. They're headed to the Baldknobbers Jamboree or the Dixie Stampede, by golly. And your ass isn't going anywhere until they all cross the road. God love these folks. Because my grandparents were doing the same thing with MY MOTHER not too many years ago. (Damn, my mom must've looked like a teen to the rest of the group when she joined them on the tour.)

Then there's Springfield which gives us the lovely Brad Pitt. And for that, my friends, we can all be thankful. My ventures to & fro Springfield always amaze me. Where are all the people coming from or going to in this town? It's the biggest small town I've ever been to. Let's hope the project that I've worked on (mildly) for the last 2.5 years here will actually give way to some income someday soon. Wouldn't that be nice.

Can you believe I also experienced Lebanon whilst on this traveling adventure. Yep, it's true. Thar she blows, Lebanon, Missouri. Nothing but jacked up pickups, the walnut bowl factory, and Chicago Cutlery factory seconds.

Oh, the fun just never ended on this trip. I have so much more to offer, so many other towns to tell you about. ...onto Rolla, then Nixa, Ozark and Clinton - there's nothing to do here but drink and play badminton!

I drove 650+ miles and not one razorback did I see. Maybe next time.